Can you remember someone in your life who believed in you so much that it inspired you to do more that you thought was possible? Perhaps it was someone like my third grade teacher, Mrs. O’Sullivan, who said, “You draw so well,” and suddenly my drawing skills improved dramatically. Or like my high school friend Aimee who walked up to me one day and opined, “Cay, you are better than a C grade.” As if by magic, Cs transformed to As and Bs. What an incredible gift it is to give so much encouragement that it transforms another person to believe that he or she is capable of more.
Who has influenced you the most and helped you get where you are now?
I’ve found it striking how many people in companies are hungry for exactly this type of belief and encouragement from their peers and managers. Similarly striking is the number of people who write others off, or tell me “that person is good technically and cares about the company, but he or she is just too difficult or impossible to deal with.”
While I was volunteering as a coach at a men’s prison, one of the social workers asked me how things were going with Mr. X in my class. I said, “No problems, he is doing great. He loves the class and does everything I ask.” She said, “I can’t believe it. He is so awful in my drug rehab class. He is angry and disruptive.”
In his first coaching session, I saw something in him, certainly more than he saw. I looked him in the eye and said, “You are a leader. When is that going to show up so you can start helping people? What beliefs are stopping you from becoming the man you truly are?”
He came alive and became engaged and excited. He soaked in everything I shared about changing his behavior. He talked about how refreshing this was. I had no absolutely no idea until much later that he was a very violent offender who grew up in the ’hood. The social worker at the prison is an amazing person who helped many people. I just happened to be able to connect with Mr. X.
Over the years, I found there were many Ms. and Mr. Xs who respond similarly to coaching to the gift, which is coaching that brings out and leverages a person’s deepest desires, gifts, and talents and changes subconscious beliefs into free thinking. Setting a higher personal standard appeals to the best in people. In the case of inmates, angry, defocused looks began to dissipate and be overtaken by ownership in thought, emotional state, and self worth. Eventually, the head of social services at the prison asked me if she could assign additional men to the coaching program.
If an employee has no commitment to improve his or her behavior and contribution to the workplace, I wholeheartedly encourage management to help him or her make a rapid transition to a place outside the company that is more suitable to his or her skills and disposition.
The challenge is that sometimes decisions are made about employees with a lack of understanding of the true potential they have for change, or old methodologies are used (i.e., carrot and stick) and then managers “give up.” Some people sincerely want to change for the better, yet their deepest fear is that it is not possible or they don’t know how to do it. That fear is precisely what generates so many unusual and difficult-to-understand behaviors that show up in prisons and business organizations. It’s an example of the “mind prison,” where our deepest subconscious beliefs are keeping us on an old behavioral track.
Drilling a little deeper is critical. Dr. A was the key technical leader on a multimillion-dollar project at a Madison company. He frequently would get upset and disrupt meetings. He knew this behavior was unproductive, yet he was unsure how to change it. Fortunately, the company president believed that Dr. A had something important to contribute and invested in coaching to help him change, and because of the president’s belief and Dr. A’s commitment to change, the situation changed dramatically within days. The president’s comment: “This probably saved the project.”
The unwavering belief necessary for coaching to the gift is that another person is capable of changing old behavior. Leaders who have given the gift of encouragement to another person, and watched them thrive, know it is a fulfilling experience. Finding the beauty of that potential in people, both inside and outside of the physical walls of a prison, has touched me and helped me grow, but in order to coach to another person’s gifts, I have to focus on my gifts. I am grateful for the example set by Aimee, who cared enough to coach me to my gift.
It is so common for humans to hunger for someone, especially someone they admire, to believe in them without reservation. There have been times in my life when I wished others would forgive my errors from the past (when I was temporarily in mind prison) and only see the desire and potential I have to give more. Every employee deserves to have that faith from leaders, not just the “challenge” employees. It makes me wonder what extraordinary potential will be set free in organizations when more executives commit to mentoring employees to their gifts, with a passion to see more and believe more in them than they see in themselves.
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