Here’s an amusing e-mail that first made the circuit in 2000, when it appeared in my column. Don’t we all feel sorry for Human Resources Managers responsible for planning the company Christmas (make that holiday) party? I present it in the jovial spirit of the holidays and to poke some good-natured fun at Madison’s politically correct reputation.
Please enjoy it in that spirit and accept my warmest wishes for Happy Holidays — however you celebrate yours!
From: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Dir.
To: Everyone
Date: December 1
Re: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be too surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
From: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Dir.
Date: December 2
Re: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling in our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
From: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Dir.
Date: December 3
Re: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
From: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Dir.
Date: December 7
Re: Holiday Party
What A diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking, and sex during day-light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employee’s beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
From: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Dir.
Date: December 8
Re: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the winter solstice … what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay?
From: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Dir.
Date: December 10
Re: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest form the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your damn salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now.
From: Terri Bishops, Acting HR Dir.
Date: December 14
Re: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
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